A not-so professional opinion

Tide

2009-09-22T19:09:00.001-07:00

Beach pictures as promised.

take me to the beach

2009-09-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

I'll post the pictures for this theme tomorrow. I know I haven't been keeping up with blogging lately but my mind has been elsewhere. Here's a poem I wrote for my Creative Writing class. I'll try to post some pictures to go along with it tomorrow. Enjoy!

sandy fragrance lingers in sun-kissed hair

gentle grains cling between painted toes

warm skin covers the once pale canvas

heart beats soften as the waves hit shore

- NC

Love love love

2009-09-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Todays theme is going to be the L word, LOVE LOVE LOVE, even though I am not in love love love. I'm far from it actually. Tonight the guy I was starting to fall for told me he was seeing someone. He said I'm quite pretty and awesome so he didn't want to lose me as a friend. I'm not happy about any of this, but I couldn't be mad at him. I'm starting to think I should have been. I was just happy to have my confusion cleared. It still hurts. So to lift my spirits and restore my faith in love I'm posting pictures of love. Enjoy. I hope you have a good night.

Live, laugh love.

- NC

Red.

2009-09-14T17:03:00.001-07:00

Today's theme is the color red. This is only the first installment of "red" pictures I am going to be posting. I have too many of them saved to post them all today. I love the color red. Those who like the color red are usually passionate people, at least I've come to find that. It is a bold and beautiful color. It stands out amongst any other color in almost any picture. The color demands to be seen.

Some of the pictures had a lot of red, others not as much. Either way I enjoy all of those photographs and applaud those who took them.

I've lost track of how many times my friend has gone back to her ex-boyfriend now. But once again, he's saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her and she's miserable. She says everything is wrong in her life and she'd rather be dead. I don't even know how to respond to her anymore. She needs to be in a relationship, she needs to be told she's pretty and she needs someone to cling to. And without that, it's like she's drowning. I don't know how to help her. I can't give anymore advice only to have it ignored and have her once again return to this guy who doesn't know if he wants to be with her. I'm starting to think she's some sort of masochist. She must secretly like getting hurt. I wish I knew what to tell her. I wish she wasn't so dependent on a mans affection. Her father and her brother love her. Mine don't really love me and yet she's sadder than I am. I don't get it.

Well, anyway I'm not in a posting mood. I better be off to do something distracting.

Till next time,

Be happy. Stay Healthy.

Love,

- NC

The sky is falling

2009-09-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

Because it's raining out todays theme is going to be "Umbrellas." I personally love photographs containing umbrellas, however in life I rarely use them. They're somewhat inconvenient to carry around. Especially on a narrow sidewalk with lots of other people. I can't tell you how many times I've been hit in the head with someone else's umbrella.

Anyway, let's appreciate the beauty of them. Here are some pictures I found and really like containing umbrellas.

In keeping with the umbrella theme, I also have a video for you to watch. If you haven't watched Mandy Moore's version of the song "Umbrella" by Rihanna, then you should watch it now. Moore's version is so much better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l607rEC8tzM

Alright, enough umbrella talk!

Yesterday after for only $3.75 I went and saw Inglourious Basterds (it was THAT cheap! Love student discounts). The movie was really good. I mean, I didn't come out with my jaw dropping and a feeling of utter amazement towards the brilliance of the movie, but it was damn good. Tarantino has an extremely warped and creative mind, only he could have made such a bizarre, witty, humorous movie. It was powerful and yet so farfetched that it didn't even matter anymore if anything was based on fact. It's one of the best war movies I've seen in awhile and trust me, I'm not a huge fan of war movies. People are raving about this movie for a reason. Go and see it, you won't be disappointed. Even if you hate it, the movie is an experience.

I actually had a great day yesterday. I spent the whole day with my friend from school. She's a commuter so she knows her way around the city and we literally went all around the city. I always forget how much I love being in a car until I haven't been for awhile. It's so relaxing, at least as the passenger it is. We went to a Movie Stop and I got three movies for 10 bucks. Score! I bought Just Like Heaven, Entrapment, and then I was torn between Pleasantville and what I thought was the original Zorro movie. Well I picked the Zorro movie thinking it was "The Mask of Zorro" only to realize it's "The Legend of Zorro." I forgot there was a sequel!!! My brain shuts off sometimes, I swear. I don't even think I liked the second one. Now I own it and would return it if I had any way of getting to the place I bought it. Maybe I'll just give it to someone. Ugh, I don't know. On the front it should really say "Zorro 2!" Crap.

Anyway, aside from my losing about $3.75 on buying that DVD, we watched Miss March (kind of stupid), got shakes/smoothies at Coldstone, and went to lunch. Good day overall. Minus the DVD mixup misfortune I just came to realize.

Now to end this post I think it's appropriate considering the cruddy weather (at least where I am) to post a poem by Edgar Allen Poe. This is my favorite poem.

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee;

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea;

But we loved with a love that was more than love

I and my Annabel Lee;

With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven

Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her highborn kinsman came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre

In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,

Went envying her and me-

Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,

In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud by night,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we-

Of so many far wiser than we-

And neither the angels in heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never breams without bringing me

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride

In the sepulchre there by the sea,

In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Have a great day :)

- NC

Call me buddy.

2009-09-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

Today's theme is the word "Buddy." For the following reason...

Today I ran into the guy I like and recently had a sleepover with. Upon saying goodbye to me he said "see you around buddy." Buddy. I'm a buddy to him now? Let me show you some examples of things that warrant the usage of the word "buddy."

Dad asks, "what are you looking at BUDDY?"

Grampa says "look at the boat BUDDY!"

Look, the monkey is holding his BUDDY.

The elephant appears to be this mans BUDDY.

"How's the view up there, BUDDY?"

I bet he considers the dog his buddy.

I bet these kids are buddies.

"Yo, BUDDY, don't smoke that!"

His name could be Buddy.

His name could also be Buddy.

Like Air Bud.

Do I fit into the same category as any of those things? NO. And yet, I am also a buddy. A buddy with benefits. I know I'm probably reading too much into this, because it's just a word. BUT I don't want to just be his buddy! Seriously, rip my heart out. Said it right in front of his friends too. My roommate tried to reassure me by saying her boyfriend used to call her buddy and kiddo. I wish I felt reassured but I don't. I feel like I've been reduced to just a friend once again. When I was a kid I was always friends with the boys and now I'm a friend with benefits. I felt potential with him but, I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I won't bore you by writing anymore. I don't really have anything else to say. So, instead, I'll leave you with a quote from "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and call it a night.

"I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones."

Hope you have a much better night than I've had!

Live, laugh, love.

- NC

Yellow.

2009-09-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

I want to mix things up a bit. Before I talk or post ANY pictures, you should listen to this song to put you in the correct mood for the rest of my post. I'll put the lyrics here too. Just in case you don't listen to the song. It's not the Coldplay version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPWzy7wpy8Q&feature=PlayList&p=402433A4A5E8671D&index=0

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along

I wrote a song for you

And all the things you do

And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn

Oh what a thing to have done

And it was all yellow

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know you know I love you so

You know I love you so

I swam across

I jumped across for you

Oh what a thing to do

Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line

I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do

And it was all yellow

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know for you i bleed myself dry

For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you

look how they shine for you

look how they shine

look at the stars look how they shine for you

And all the things that you do.

Done listening? Good.

Todays theme is going to be yellow. This isn't to say I'll have a theme everyday but today is yellow. And what better

way to have a yellow theme than with the song "Yellow" and some pictures of yellow things. I didn't take these pictures, I've come across them randomly over the past year. I want to give credit where it's due but I don't have the URL's, I can find them if necessary.

Alright, I admit this is a little orange. But there's some yellow...

Sorry, I had to put this up. He's just so yellow! Not really in the mellow, yellow way though.

Anyway, back to blogging.

Personal life:

Last night I went to a screening of a 1964 Japanese Horror Film called "Onibaba" or "Demon Woman" in English. It wasn't really much of a horror, but it wasn't half bad. I prefer my horror movies to have no gore, personally. Just because blood and guts make some people sick, doesn't mean the movie is any good. So, at the end of the movie this old woman gets a demon mask stuck on her face. The mask was decently creepy. A little goofy, but the image of it was sort of stuck in my mind.

A friend of mine who showed the movie asked for my opinion and I jokingly said the mask would give me nightmares. Well, he invited me to stay over to "protect me." I flipped a coin, heads I went tails I didn't. It was heads so I went. I've never gotten so much action in such a short span of time, I swear. I love spontaneity though. I get a rush out of not knowing what to expect and just going with my impulses.

I actually like this friend of mine, the camera-man we'll call him. He's funny. I like funny. My plan was to say "okay goodnight" turn over and go to sleep, but before I could say anything he was kissing me. I couldn't say no... :) The kissing went well, I think it was better because I like him. Of course though, he did something weird. He kept pinching my waist. Why why why. Who likes having their waist pinched? Not me. I hate being pinched. It wasn't unbearable though so I didn't say anything at first. Then he scratched me, and "OW" was literally what I yelled out. Alright, I know in movies scratching is supposed to be lusty and one of the hottest men I've ever met liked to be scratched, BUT pain and pleasure still don't mix for me. Ow means NO GO. He stopped pinching and scratching after that, I think he thought my "owing" was cute. Whatever works.

We did some more "stuff" in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep and he was breathing on my neck. My neck is sensitive, and as much as I wanted to be good and hold out, when he started kissing it, I couldn't resist. I was so tired today though, ugh. I'm not good at sharing a bed, I need my space. My roommate and I were talking about this and she said how if she ever gets married they're getting a huge bed with a line of pillows down the middle so he can't touch her when she's sleeping. I hope by the time I'm married I'm used to sharing a bed.

Alright that's all I have to report. I'll leave you with the poem I had to write for my creative writing class.

Have a great night, sorry if the poem sucks.

Thanks for reading,

- NC

The Ring

The chain links are connected

The knot in the rope is tied

The words are etched in stone

We can never break our bond.

Like hands wrapping around me

I feel under your protection

My finger bears the weight

Of generations.

The silver band once shined

And has grown dull with years

The meaning remains eternal

For family never fades.

The Kissing Game

2009-09-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I wish I could say I had some really interesting stories from the past few days, and I might if I could remember what I even did. I swear sometimes my brain gets as lazy as I do. Oh, wait! I remember now, I spent my weekend reading in various spots on campus, writing poems for my creative writing class... and people watching, of course. On Saturday I had two people in two separate situations just staring at me. Why do the creepy people stare? One of them even stopped his truck and honked at me. And he looked old! I mean, I know I was alone, but that doesn't make me some sort of prey or easy target. I wasn't separated from the herd or anything.

My conclusion: some people are animals. and not the cute kind.

Anyway, my main topic of this post is kissing. I saw District 9 last night because this guy wanted to see it, and I wanted to see him so, yeah I saw the damn movie. It was interesting... pretty graphic... I can't say I'm glad I saw it. BUT to give those who produced it some credit, it was really well made. Good acting, good graphics (although disturbing), and an interesting plot.

After the movie we went back to his house, watched The Office and eventually made out on his "couch"... his couch was the corner piece of a sectional, not easy to make out on, but definitely a fun challenge... and it got me thinking. Everyone has different tastes in food, movies, colors, clothes, fabrics, etc. And just like all those things, everyone kisses differently. I don't understand why certain people like to kiss in certain ways. I remember this one guy last year I went on two dates with, was probably the worst kisser I've ever encountered. Seriously, when he just pecked me the entire area around my mouth was wet. Like, my lips were pruning after kissing him for two minutes. And I'm pretty sure he thought he was good at it! I tried to help him but failed miserably. He ended up coming to my room drunk and whining about how I didn't want to be exclusive. After two dates. And I wasn't even seeing someone else. Give me a break.

Then there was the guy I dated a few months ago. He was a boring kisser. SOOO boring. Boring at kissing, boring in bed. Everything was routine. Yet again, I tried to break the routine and kiss MY way but, no. He wouldn't follow and we'd just go back to the boring routine. I knew I had to end things with him when I started hoping he'd think I was asleep so I wouldn't have to fool around with him. He was nice though. Nice just isn't enough sometimes.

Now, the guy I kissed last night was good for the most part. I liked kissing him. Except for one thing he did, and maybe it was just an accident, I don't know, but it happened more than once. He'd like pull away a bit so our lips weren't touching, but keep our tongues going. I was so confused. I kept trying to move my lips back onto his. I felt like a snake. If snakes made out, I imagine that is how it would happen. It's weird though because aside from that, I liked kissing him! Maybe I can keep the snake from appearing again. Snake might have been a poor choice of word for this, but you know what I'm talking about. Not his man-snake, his tongue snake haha. It's not sounding any better. Oh forget it.

I'm starting to think part of how we prefer to kiss comes from how we start off kissing. I had someone literally offer to teach me. The first time I would have never known if he was bad because I had nothing to compare to. Then after a couple "lessons" I got the hang of it, and he was good. We had chemistry and our hormones were all over the place. I wonder though, had someone else showed me the kissing ropes, would I kiss the same way I do now? I'd like to think so, but anything is possible.

And now, I must share that I have in fact kissed an extremely good kisser. He was only a friend but boy was his kissing passionate. There was so much heat and he had the best lips I have ever come across. I mean, damn. I still can't get over it. What kills me the most was, he was just as good at everything else. I was surprised because of his ADD, but I'm pretty sure he knew my body better than I did. It was such a sad day when I realized we were compatible in bed but not in life. He started seeing someone who was, admittedly, better for him and I went on to date Mr. Boring. It's sad but when I'm in a certain "mood" I still think about how good it was with him.

I see kissing as a sort of introduction to how someone will be physically. I know a good kisser won't always be good in bed, but if they're a bad kisser does it really matter how they are in bed? Something to think about.

PS. Totally forgot to mention the person I kissed last night was the "possibly single" guy I mentioned in my last post. I'm hoping this means he's single.

I'll leave you today with an okay poem I wrote when I was outside yesterday. It's not great, but it's a start (possibly with no end.)

As the wind soars through the trees

A gentle and soft breeze

Brings the crackle of autumn leaves

they scream, I miss you.

Surroundings turn to gray,

A blanket of snow lay

My body shivers in dismay,

as if to say, I miss you.

As the sun begins to shine,

New life comes to rise

Leaves grow before my eyes

still they cry, I miss you.

And when summer heat bears down

As I lay upon the ground

Beneath the trees and clouds

my heart beat sounds,

I miss you.

The Dating Game

2009-09-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hello readers, I actually have things to vent about today! Are you listening?

Good.

First, I'm really getting fed up with how people seem to get off on power trips in their relationships. My friend was dumped by her boyfriend a couple months ago, only she hasn't been able to move on because he's dangling this string of false hope right in front of her. He actually showed up at her house crying, begging for her back. Only to change his mind again. Then a couple days ago he told her he wanted to be with her, but they had to hide it from his mother (whole other story). THEN last night he sends her a message saying he kissed another girl and realized he doesn't want to be with her. I told her, that's it, he's a jerk, move on.

But no.

She still loves him. However she was talking about meeting new guys so I guess that's progress. Dating is supposed to be fun, especially when you're young! In a perfect world, I'd date lots of guys who make me laugh and if it ends, it ends. Emotional attachment is such a bitch, especially when physical attraction is involved.

If you keep constantly breaking up and making up, you're relationship isn't healthy. If you're significant other likes to play mind games with you, you're relationship isn't healthy. If the person you've been dating doesn't want to be called your boyfriend or girlfriend, yet again, not healthy. I wonder if dating was ever simple or could ever be simple again.

Speaking of dating, today I saw two of my crushes from last year. One of them is recently single and the other could possibly be single now. Mr. Recently Single is adorable and expressed his sadness at not seeing me all the time this semester. Mr. Possibly Single seemed overly happy to have come across me in the dining hall, and even though I didn't notice him walk by, he threw his tray down and sat next to me. Mr. Possibly Single ALSO sent me drunk text messages during the night of an ice storm, saying "how are you holding up in the storm?" and "i love you". However when he sent those messages he was Mr. Taken, not Mr. Possibly Single. I know the name are dumb, but bear with me. I thought maybe Possibly Single had feelings for me so today I suggested we hang out soon and he show me his new house. He answered "yeah totally." It's a word he uses often, but a "yeah definitely, I'll call you soon" would have been more suggestive of his potential feelings for me. "Yeah totally" sounds more like "yeah, maybe if I remember and have nothing better to do."

As for Mr. Recently Single, his ex-girlfriend was skinny and he thought she was beautiful. He had this artsy looking picture of her as the background to his computer last year. She looked 5'3 and a 100 pounds. I'm 5'8'' and 160. It's not that I completely lack confidence because I don't. I see an extremely skinny girl and wonder how her sex life could ever be good with hips that small. I just don't feel in shape, because I'm not. Recently Single isn't drop dead gorgeous or anything, but if he's looking to date a toothpick he won't be looking at me. He'll see me as a friend. He probably already does.

I hope someone reads this and has some words of wisdom to bestow on me.

I don't have a quote for you yet, maybe later tonight I"ll find one.

Later,

- NC

Just a quote for today

2009-09-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I'm afraid I only have a quote for you today. I need to go to bed so I can wake up for class tomorrow. I have astronomy, although I'm not sure I want to stay in the class. Except, it fulfills some requirements so bleh, I guess I may have to stick it out with my crazy albert-einstein goes hippie looking teacher.

"If you tell yourself something is possible, there's a good chance it will become so."

Enjoy.

Hopefully this weekend will be interesting so I'll have more to write about.

Till then,

Good Night.

- NC

Random

2009-09-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like an outsider? Sometimes when I'm at school I do. I want to connect with everyone, but most of the time I find I don't have anything in common with the people around me. There's nothing good to talk about. I used to think my inability to connect with certain people during high school was due to insecurity, but now I see it was really just a lack of common interests and sense of humor. I don't know.

I'm somewhat PMSing so I apologize in advance for my pessimism tonight. A few weeks ago I saw pictures of myself this time last year and I was so skinny. I had no idea I was so skinny, I was actually convinced I wasn't thin enough, but I was. Now that I've gained weight I don't really feel comfortable in my body, and I'd really kill to look the way I did a year ago. I'd appreciate my previous size so much more now. I know, I need to exercise and eat better. And I will. I just fell into the freshman-15 trap and need to pull myself back out of this alcohol and donut lined hole. I promised myself I would and I'm going to try my best to uphold that promise. I just wish I wasn't PMSing, my motivation is lessened so much by it.

Anyway, I don't have much else to write tonight. I watched the movie Coraline and it was decent. I wasn't crazy about it. The person I saw it with really liked it though. I guess it depends on your taste. I went to my friends dorm, we'll call him "camera-man" to watch the movie. Afterwards I walked with him to get cigarettes and then we stood outside his building while he smoked. I don't know why it surprises me that so many people are roaming around campus at 11:00 at night. A girl I know walked by, drunk of course, and yelled out to me "Who's the boy you're with?!" The camera-mans friends came by and one of them was trying to find some plant on the lawn that was edible. Another was kicking some fruit-looking things he kept picking out of a tree. A kid walked up to us, somewhat soaked, holding a stuffed animal (Rufus from Kim Possible apparently... it's a hairless mole rat or whatever) and he barely stayed long enough to talk before he took off again. Then a guy with really long hair riding his bike pulled over to talk. After he left the kid looking for edible lawn started throwing the inedible fruit at the big kid who had been picking it. Then the camera-man finished his cigarette and I came back to my room. Some-what home sweet home.

I need to get some sleep though, I'll leave you with a piece of a poem I read in one of my books tonight.

Enjoy.

Sorry I haven't updated lately, just been busy getting settled at school. I'll write more about what happened this week soon. Hopefully.

"Now I realize there's nothing

more personal than speech,

that I don't have to defend,

how I speak, how any person,

black, white, chooses to speak.

Let us speak. Let us talk

with the sound of our mothers

and fathers still reverberating

in our minds, wherever our mothers

or fathers come from:

Arkansas, Belize, Alabama,

Brazil, Aruba, Arizona.

Let us simply speak

to one another,

listen and prize the inflections,

never assuming how any person will sound

until his mouth opens, until her

mouth opens, greetings welcome

in any language.

I'll Be That GIrl

2009-08-31T17:18:00.000-07:00

Move-in day went pretty smoothly. Most people had moved in over the weekend so it was relatively easy. My room looks pretty good, too. I have my "Garden State" and "Away We Go" posters above my bed and they are amazing. I need another bright poster like the "Away We Go" one, because the colors on that are fantastic.

I'm being bad right now and pigging out. I'm wicked spent from moving all day but I'm not ready to go to bed yet. So I'm eating junk food, writing on here and after this I'll go back to reading. If I seem like a loner, then know I opted to be one this evening. I don't know if that makes it any better. My friend wanted me to come over and watch "Band of Brothers," the mini-series. It's good, but the last thing I want to do right now is watch a series of war portrayals. "Welcome back to school, let's watch the cruelty of war!" I'm good, thanks.

My hall is full of freshman and one awkward sophomore in a single room. I tried to talk to the awkward one but she didn't give me much of a response. I've met three of the freshman, they were nice but they looked so young. I can see now why when I was a freshman everyone thought I was older. I look and feel older than those girls. I saw some of the other girls too and the fake-blonde one gave me a weird look when I smirked at her when leaving the bathroom. Just trying to be friendly, it's not my fault your room is located right outside where I relieve myself. Some other girl is playing hip hop pop rap or whatever you want to call it and trying to impress some boy. I shut my door. My soft-rock, popcorn eating and trashy romance novel reading won't be interrupted by children. Sorry kiddos. The funny thing is I'm only about a year older than them. Oh well, as most people over the age of 40 say "you're as old as you feel." I feel about 22 until I meet a mature 22 year old, then I feel 19 again. Life, right?

My room really does look good though. Last year I was in a "forced triple" so there were three of us in a room meant for two. This year there's only two of us, so it's pretty great. There's just so much more space!

Ahem.

Anyway.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes. I have three in a row; Creative Writing, Intro to Sociology, and Philosophy of Human Nature. I'll be in class from 11-3:15. Ugh ugh ugh. If it rains tomorrow my spirits will be seriously pummeled. I have a ten minute walk to my first class. I don't even know where my second one is, but there's a ten minute walk from the first class to the second. Second to third shouldn't be too bad. I have fifteen minutes for a less than five minute walk. Then Wednesday and Friday I only have one class (don't know what I'll do with my spare time yet. Definitely go to the gym to work off all the crap I'm eating tonight.) and Thursday is the same schedule as tomorrow. I won't have my Monday class for another two weeks because of Labor Day. Hooray for putting off text-book buying even longer!

I miss my Mom already. I love seeing her everyday. It's tough not having her with me. My friend stopped by my house after I left to grab an umbrella she'd left, and apparently she refused to go in my room because she'd be too sad. I miss her too. I know you don't want to hear me being sappy, but I hate being away from the people I love. The two people who I feel completely like myself around. I'm starting to see school as where I need to be more than where I'd rather be. I'd rather be home with my mom and my best friend, playing scrabble and talking in fake british accents just for the hell of it. I felt optimism earlier towards this year, and I still have it, I just want to have my cake and eat it too I guess. Mm, cake. There's a little fat lady living inside my stomach, I swear. She's trying to break free, hence why I need to start exercising. Balance out the fat lady and the fit lady I want to be.

Alright I don't have much more to write actually. I'm going to start tired-induced-rambling soon if I don't stop. I'll leave you with an excerpt from a Bare-Naked-Ladies song called "I'll Be that Girl."

Enjoy,

Have a great night,

- NC

If you will not have me as myself,

Perhaps as someone else.

Perhaps as you I'll be worth noticing.

Then even a eunuch won't resist

The magic of a kiss from such as me

I'll be that girl- and you would be right over.

If I were a field, you would be in clover.

If I were the sun, you would be in shadow.

If I had a gun, there'd be no tomorrow.

It's time to kick off your shoes,

Learn how to choose sadness.

It's time to throw off those chains,

Addle our brains with madness.

Cause we've got plenty of time,

To grow old and die.

But when at last your beauty's faded,

You'll be glad that I have waited for you.

School school school

2009-08-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

Todays quote is an excerpt from a song...

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house Maybe you'll think of me and smile You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse Keep me in your heart for awhile Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams Touch me as I fall into view When the winter comes keep the fires lit And I will be right next to you

Anyway, I don't have the energy to write a lot tonight. I'm heading back to school tomorrow and have to wake up in about 8 hours to start getting ready. I'm still not used to the idea my summer is over. How could it be over when it feels like it only just started? I guess that's how everything happens in life. Right when you get comfortable everything gets stirred up again. Sigh. I'll probably write from my dorm room tomorrow, unless I'm dead tired which I highly doubt. I'll probably be incapable of falling asleep due to nerves.

I figured out partially why I'm nervous. At home I'm safe. Nothing really changes drastically. I basically know what is going to happen everyday, or at least I can if I choose to for the most part. I don't have that power at school. Anything can happen. It's exciting me and causing me to have an aneurism all at the same time.

I guess we'll have to just wait and see. If anyone has actually started reading this then you better hope my year is interesting so I'll have something to report in these blog posts besides my rambling thoughts.

Thanks for reading,

Wish me luck tomorrow. Damn you if you don't.

Hugs and Kisses.

- NC

Anything can happen child...

2009-08-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

I only have two days left at home before I go back to school. I said goodbye to the children I've been watching for over three years now. I obviously couldn't watch them while I was at school last year and it was really tough. It's really hard not being able to watch them grow up. I watched them five days a week this summer and they're honestly like family to me. Going back to school is so much different for me this year. Not to over-exaggerate, but I feel like I'm tearing myself in half. Part of my heart is staying home with my mother, the kids, and my best friend. Last year the newness of college overshadowed what I was missing from home, at least until the end of the year when it started to hit me. I can't feel completely whole anymore because all the things and people I love are spread apart. I know I'll have to deal with this for a majority of my life, but I'd like to think far in the future I'll be able to work and live near the people I love. Nothing will separate us anymore. I'm only an hour from home, too. It seems silly to be thinking about this.

Hopefully once I'm back at school these blog posts will become less dark haha I'm sure they will.

I don't really have anything else to add today. I have a Shel Silverstein poem to end my post with for today. I hope you enjoy it, and I really hope you know who Shel Silverstein is.

Thanks for reading,

Goodnight

- NC

Listen to the MUSTN'Ts child,

Listen to the DON'Ts.

Listen to the SHOULDN'Ts,

The IMPOSSIBLEs, the WON'Ts.

Listen to the NEVER HAVEs,

Then listen close to me--

Anything can happen child,

ANYTHING can be.

- Shel Silverstein.

Life.

2009-08-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Instead of spending the whole day with just my mother, my older brother came along. I haven't seen much of my brother this summer. He lives with our father, who I am no longer in contact with, and he started seeing a girl from school, so he has less time on his hands to visit than past summers. My brother and I stopped living together over four years ago. I feel like I know him less every time I see him. A problem we've had our entire lives is not seeing eye-to-eye. Our priorities, sense of humor, and outlook on life are very different. He's always lived behind a veil and once in a great while I get to see beneath it, see the part of my brother I love, but most of the time my image of him is only growing dimmer. Someday I fear I won't know him at all. I know I won't. He told me once how he lost his family too early in his life and he couldn't wait to get married and finally have a real family again. Apparently I'm not enough to constitute family. For me, today was good because I spent it with my family. I'm not sure it meant anything to him. At moments like these, life seems so cruel. Too many times has my brother complained to me about how awful his life is; how hard everything is for him. Someday I want to ask him when it's my turn. When do I get to complain to him and ask him for advice? When do I get to be the little sister whose older brother takes care of her?

I saw the movie "My Sisters Keeper" tonight and it was really sad. I basically cried throughout the movie. I was emotionally exhausted before it ended. I heard the book is better but I can't read the book now. It's just too sad. I did read the first chapter of it once though and Cameron Diaz did not fit the description of the mother, in my opinion. She should stick on comedies because the "mom" roll doesn't suit her. If you rent it I recommend a box of tissues, because it's so sad. The movie really makes you appreciate life and love though.

I'm going to end todays post with a poem. I didn't write this, but it's a good one.

Have a great night and think only of the good things in your life.

Thanks for reading.

- NC

The clock of life is wound but once and no man has the power

To tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour.

To lose one's wealth is sad indeed, to lose one's health is more.

To lose one's soul is such a loss that no man can restore.

The present only is our own, so live, love, toil with a will,

Place no faith in tomorrow-- for the clock may then be still.

Movie Reviews; Adam and Paper Heart

2009-08-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

"They didn't really belong there, but there they were." This is todays quote. It's from "Adam." I like the quote because for me it says even if you feel out of place, you're still there. Also, the quote comes from my favorite scene of the movie in which Beth and Adam are sitting in central park late at night, watching a family of raccoons. Beth asks Adam what the raccoons are doing in central park and he says "well, they don't really belong here, but there they are." I think he's sort of referring to himself and his own condition. Like, the world he lives in wasn't made for someone like him, but there he is.

The movie "Adam" was wonderful to say the least. It was heart-warming with a touch of humor and a lot of humanity. Hugh Dancy plays Adam and he does an amazing job. There was nothing that bothered me about this movie or left me expecting/wanting more. It ended the way it needed to end, and it wasn't even a fairy-tale ending. I really loved this movie, it was just so sweet. You almost get lost in Adams innocence and fragility. I highly recommend seeing this.

"Paper Heart" on the other-hand wasn't worth the money I spent to see it. While Michael Cera is as cute as ever in the film, it just wasn't good enough. It didn't make the cut for me. My friend and I were the only people in the theatre, which was fun, but the fun sort of ended there. The movie had good intentions but bad follow-through. I think it had to do with the main character. She was sweet but seemed so much younger than she actually is and was also slightly annoying.

Anyway, that's really all I have for today. I still have lots of packing to do and tomorrow is my day with my Mom.

So farewell until tomorrow night,

Sleep well and sweet dreams.

Yours truly,

- NC

"I try to live in the now... where the ghosts of old wrongs do not abide."

2009-08-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

Todays quote:

"I try to live in the now... where the ghosts of old wrongs do not abide."

The quote is actually said by Captain Nemo in "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." I find it to be good advice in most cases. I personally try really hard not to linger in the past, asking myself what I could have done differently. I do feel haunted from time to time.

In my first post I was reluctant to telling my age, but in this post I'm afraid the topic I want to discuss requires me to. In one week I'm leaving home again for another year of college. This summer I expected myself to be excited by this time, because besides some broken hearts and bad friendships, I really enjoyed being at school. However, I guess regardless of whether or not I'm in grade school or college, I'll always get a sinking feeling knowing my summer is over. I spent this summer trying to escape certain pieces of reality; mainly everything that had hurt me last year in school. I do feel rejuvenated, and a week ago I felt ready to go back but I don't know if I'm ever really ready for anything. It will be good for me to move back to school again. I'm far too comfortable sitting around at home. As another movie quote states "I never really know how much I miss being home until I've been somewhere really different."

College is fun and I want my college education and the school I'm at is exactly where I want to be for it. I just don't like being away from my Mom. She's my heart and when I don't have her near me I feel thrown off. Sometimes I can be irrational and usually she's the person who reasons with me. Tells me when I'm in the wrong or overreacting. She knows me better than anyone else, and that's saying something because most of the time I'm not even sure I know myself. As much as I hate leaving her, I have to. When she talks about all the things she didn't do, all her regrets, it makes me feel sad, almost guilty. When I'm older and I'm married with my own daughter, I want to tell her about all my adventures. I want to tell her how hard I worked to get to where I am.

And the gateway to my dreams is through college. Sometimes I guess you have to leave a piece of yourself behind in order to get the things you really want. Anyway, next year has a lot of exciting prospects to it. I'm in a new residence hall and I have all new classes. Including a film class and a creative writing class. Writing has always been my greatest passion and I'm hoping my teacher sees I have talent. I don't have enough credits to be in the class but the teacher admitted me after reading something I'd written. If I'm lucky, I'll learn a lot from my teacher. Same goes for film. If you're reading this, know someday you could say you once read the blog of an oscar winner or a best-selling author. Fingers Crossed. I read my old year book the other day and I never realized how many people wrote about how successful I would be someday. It restored some faith in myself.

I have to wake up early for work tomorrow, so I should really go to bed.

Thanks for listening.

Until tomorrow,

- NC

Poem for thought

2009-08-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who wrote this poem, but I found it on my computer. I might try to post a poem or quote everyday now, because I like poems and quotes. I also like sharing them. So here's todays...

To the sands of the west

I gladly bequest

My problems

My worries

My soul

Sift through your sunshine

And lend me more time

To live

To laugh

To be whole

If you know who wrote that I'd be happy to give credit where it's due.

Thanks for reading,

- NC

Can I travel back in time and see a different movie?

2009-08-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading the book "Confessions of a Shopaholic" (which was completely different from the movie, by the way) and I'm so bummed! Right when it was getting good, it ended! I'm a sucker for trashy romance/beach novels and there was limited romance in the book! The male-interest in the book was so handsome and dashing, and yet Rebecca doesn't even end up with him until the very end! Maybe my desire for love in books comes from a subconscious desire to live through other peoples love-lives. Who knows. All I know is, I wanted to know more about where there relationship goes, just a little more. I know there are sequels to the book but I don't want to hear more about her love of shopping and financial issues.

If you're looking for a good, spicy, dramatic book like the one I wished Shopaholic was, then read a book by Alisa-Valdes-Rodriguez. Her books are awesome and full of sex, romance, and friendship. The perfect combination for good reading, in my opinion.

I'm always sad when a good book ends though, especially if it's abruptly. Like if the author throws in a few pages at the end of the book dedicated to their other books or something, so instead of getting more story I just get ads and authors notes I don't really want to read.

Maybe my sadness towards the book closing has to do with my own story. I always look at my life as having chapters, and in a little over a week a new one will start for me. Sometimes it's exciting to start a new chapter, sometimes it's sad. My childhood is like a whole separate story though, and I'm sad it's over. I'm afraid of growing old and feeling a haze on my adult life. Maybe there won't be one. Maybe I'll be lucky.

My next chapter is scaring me a little. I have such a good feeling about it, like great things lie ahead. However, such optimism scares the shit out of me because it can all go away in a second. I guess I can't live being afraid of the future, right?

I really like writing here, even if no one is reading. It's nice to feel like I'm talking to someone. Usually when I write in my journal, I'm only writing to myself to clear my head. Now I'm putting myself out there a little more, and sharing my thoughts with the world. Well, since no one has read this besides me, the world isn't really involved yet. But maybe someday.

I saw "The Time Travelers Wife" today and I was a little disappointed. The trailer had seemed so nice and romantic, and in spite of people telling me it looked horrible, I still went to see it. And it wasn't horrible. It wasn't really anything, except interesting. I'd never buy it and I don't really plan on renting it. It was nice though. Rachel McAdams was as beautiful as ever and I do love her as an actress. The movie followed his life more than her though and I wish it had followed hers, since the title of the movie does refer to her. It ended up being a sad movie, but I learned nothing from it. At least in 500 Days of Summer I felt like I'd gotten something out of watching it.

Anyway, I think I've emptied my head out enough for tonight.

Thanks for reading, if anyone is.

Good night and good luck.

- NC

Are strangers really strangers?

2009-08-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Earlier, I randomly found myself thinking about the way everyone is connected. A person you bump into on the street could someday end up being your boss, your friend, or even your spouse. My orientation leader my freshman year of college seemed nice enough, although I barely spoke to her. I remember thinking how she looked like a girl from my hometown. She gave everyone in our group her phone number; her name was Casey. Well, at the end of the school year I went through the contacts of my phone and for a good week went around asking all my friends "who the hell is Casey?" Not too long after that, my guy "friend" (we really pushed the boundaries of friendship...) started dating someone and didn't tell me. His new girlfriend was Casey, my orientation leader who's number was in my phone. When I met her, I never would have thought we'd end up connected in anyway except to say "hey, she was my orientation leader."

My other random connection was my senior year of high school. This girl I never really talked to, I ended up sitting alone with one day at lunch and she told me all about how she'd cheated on her boyfriend, how he had broken up with her, and how much she wanted him back. Months later a friend of mine at the time brought a couple guys she knew to dinner with us. One kept talking about his crazy ex-girlfriend, who I later figured out was the girl who had vented to me in the cafeteria, and he was the guy she had cheated on. I ended up becoming really good friends with him, such good friends that my other friends became jealous and turned their backs on me. If someone had told me early in the school year that in six months the girl in the cafeterias ex-boyfriend would become someone I loved and lost three of my friends over, I probably would have laughed at first. Then nodded and said " yeah, that sounds like me."

I really think everything happens for a reason though. if Casey hadn't dated my friend I would have kept holding on to a really unhealthy relationship. Same goes for the second situation. If that guy hadn't come into my life, I wouldn't have been able to leave home as easily. I would have felt tied to three people who weren't ready to grow up.

Think about the things that have happened in your life, and how they've changed you, what good they've brought, and where you'd be if they hadn't happened.

I'm going to see The Time Travelers Wife this afternoon, and hopefully I'll have a good review for it.

Till next time,

-NC

You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts,"

2009-08-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight I watched a movie called "The United States of Leland." It stars Ryan Gosling as Leland, a 16 year old boy who murdered a special needs boy named Ryan. Leland is very sweet, lovable, and yet troubled. He takes in the emotions of the people around him, and has started to lose faith in the possibility of love and happiness.

The movie was great. In spite of how sad it was, and how much I wanted Leland to somehow be innocent, the acting, the story, the filming, the writing; everything was done well. It was a remarkable, original story. I'm honestly shocked by how much I loved Leland by the end of the movie. It reminded me of when I saw "In Cold Blood" and also saw the good in the criminal. However, this case was much different than "In Cold Blood" because Leland didn't brutally murder anyone. He wasn't looking to hurt anyone.

The movie really got me thinking about mistakes. I've heard a million times how everyone makes them, but to be honest whenever I make a big one, I feel like I'm the only person in the world who ever has. I feel as if I could have prevented myself from doing wrong. It's almost like I want to believe I'm the only one, maybe to minimize the amount of evil I'm aware exists in the world.

I found out recently that an old couple who lived down the street from me as a child, a couple I was fond of, were unhappy together. Separately they are both nice people, but apparently they don't love each other. The husband once brought home the women he was cheating with. I'm always relieved when I meet couples who are still happy together, even after being married for 50 years. It's refreshing, and sadly an uncommon occurrence.

I'll end my post for today with a passage from the movie. I really recommend seeing it.

Good night.

- NC

"The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place."- The United States of Leland

A good day

2009-08-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report, today was a really good day. I got my hair done and got a lot of necessary shopping done. I love getting new clothes, but unlike the stereotypical woman, it exhausts me to shop. I wish someone else knew exactly what clothes I like and could just bring me tons of things to try on.

I'll keep dreaming...

I don't really have any good updates for today. BUT I can't resist not being a slight bummer, so I'll post a poem I wrote which isn't great, but it will suffice to keep up with the sad undertow of my blogs thus far.

You've been dancing around,

inside my head

Now the time is up;

those dreams are dead.

The memories I held,

have been erased

Without a frown,

upon this face.

The chains are broken;

my mind is clear.

I'm free from thoughts

of you, my dear.

However, I must admit

I will always feel a pain

For in loving you, I gave my heart.

And it will never be the same.

Enjoy!

I hope your day was full of love and happiness.

Until tomorrow,

- NC

How about 500+ days of me?

2009-08-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, I just saw 500 Days of Summer and it was definitely worth the 10 dollars I spent to see it. However, as a romantic failure I have to tell you, the movie has a way of ripping open old wounds. The main character Tom, is sweet and cynically funny throughout the movie. Summer is also a wonderful character, who I spent the entire movie wanting to hate. It's impossible to hate either of them though because both characters are just so painfully real.

Don't read what I"m about to say if you have any intention of seeing the movie and like to be surprised.

At the end Tom runs into Summer at "his" spot over-looking the city. During their conversation Tom asks her how she could marry someone else when she had told him she never wanted to be in a relationship. This brought back old memories for me. This past year I had a friend I was head over heels for, tell me his ex-girlfriend, who he had been with for six years, still had his heart and he didn't know how to get it back. Those words still run through my mind from time to time, mocking me. I truly believed him and thought that was the reason he would never be with me. Not too long after, he started seeing someone. Apparently he had gotten his heart back. I wasn't as close to him as Tom was to Summer, but I still wish I could see my friend someday and ask him, why wasn't it me? I thought I had the question answered before I turned around one day and saw him kissing her. All my excuses shattered in a split second and I doubt I'll ever find the courage to ask why.

Anyway, I did laugh during the movie in spite of how depressed I may seem now. It's really a good movie and I'm pretty critical. So go see it and let me know if you're as romantically devastated as I am after seeing it. The actor who plays Tom is SO adorable though, he's grown into quite the man since his time on 3rd rock from the sun, and his part in 10 Things I Hate About You. So I'd like to ask him, as my title states, "How about 500+ days of me?"

After the movie I really wanted to drive to the beach and lay on the sand (kind of a hobby of mine). However, being alone on a dark beach at night is a not-so-good idea but when I looked through my phone I didn't have anyone to invite. I could find someone to see a movie with or go out to eat, but I don't know anyone anymore who shares my love for staring into space. It's a lonely feeling.

Alright well, I think I've bummed myself out enough, and you, for one night. I'm on vacation from work this week, and tomorrow might be a beach day. Hooray! Beach days are always happy, right? We shall see.

Goodnight,

Farewell,

Sweet dreams.

-NC

Hello.

2009-08-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've created this blog to give myself a more public way of emptying out the abundance of thoughts occupying my mind everyday. At this point I imagine no one will read this anytime soon, maybe no one will read it ever. I'm happy never knowing the reality of my blogging situation. If you do happen upon my ramblings and manage to read this very sentence, then thank you.

Anyway, I've just decided not to describe myself to you. I think it's better to remain mystery; keeps things interesting. This way, to you I could be 20, 40, 80 or 100 years old. Although I think it's safe to assume I'm not the latter ages. If you want to picture me as a 90 year old computer competent grandma, then by all means, go ahead!

Today I went to a family gathering, my grandmothers family, which is always an adventure to say the least. First, we got lost on our way there and I swear we drove past ten antique stores on the same exact road. Why do Mainers like antique stores so much? I live in a suburb of Boston and I think we might have one antique store downtown... actually it might have closed. When I was little and we'd go to Maine to visit my grandparents, my parents would make us stop at antique stores on our way home, but it never struck me as odd. It only struck me as boring at the time. I don't have anything against antiques, but really, how many stores do you need to sell old crap?

Once we got to my moms cousins house, we had a nice time. I watched my mom's 47 year old cousin jumping on a mini-moon bounce with her 9 year old nieces. The funny part was, the action didn't phase a single person there. Then again, every woman there had their attention on the three week old baby. My mom's female cousins,who normally throw the family events, are usually so tense and panicky, and yet in the presence of the baby they're suddenly smiling and cooing at her. I couldn't stop watching the babies father whenever he was holding her. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He kept pulling her close to his face and nuzzling her. His older daughter was there too and even with her, he was so loving. There was no doubt he loved his children. Whenever his wife needed help, he was there without her even having to ask. He just wanted to help. I truly believe there's no love stronger than between a parent and their child. Or at least there shouldn't be. I don't necessarily believe we're taught how to love, but how much your parents love you definitely plays a role in how desperate you are for affection in the future.

I base this theory off myself in some ways. My mother and I have always been very close, my father and I never have. I don't even speak to my father anymore. He's been pretty much out of my life since I was thirteen. I don't regret my decision to disconnect from him, however I do see the consequences of our poor relationship in my interactions with men now. When I think about past friendships, the ones I'm the most hurt over are the ones with men, and the ones I'm most angry about concern fights I had with women OVER men. A male friend of mine once told me to never let a guy know I need him. The problem is, I feel most comfortable when I have a guy in my life, whether he's just a friend or someone I'm dating. So, without meaning to I must give off the "I need you around" vibe. It concerns me that I'm actually getting used to men leaving me; I anticipate it.

However, I also believe changing friends is a part of being young. My best friend is my Mom, my other best friends are women. Maybe the next man who comes in my life will be a great one. Or maybe not, as long as I'm having fun, right?

Anyway, to get back to more positive things...

I am (hopefully) going to see "500 Days of Summer" tomorrow and will post my review or "not-so professional" opinion on here. Blah blah blah. It's midnight and I fear continuation of this blog will result in even more excessive rambling. Therefore, I must end it here and bid you goodnight.

So, goodnight bloggers everywhere.

Have a great Monday,

- NC